I never thought I’d reach the point where I figured Betty Thomas was better suited to acting (as in Hill Street Blues) than any other career path she might choose.
I never thought I’d admire an actor (in this case, Jason Lee) for having the good judgement – or good luck – to remain off screen for almost an entire movie, despite being near the top of the movie’s acting credits list.
And I never thought the day would come where’d I’d wish I were watching Scooby-Doo rather than what’s actually onscreen.
That day has come, and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel has helped me reach a point I’ve never been before. I’m in awe of this movie’s awfulness. Of how the filmmakers managed to blow $75 million in making a live action/animation mix that so utterly bores the adults forced to sit down and view it. And of how a movie this bad can returns its makers and distributors something more than three dollars for every one they spent in making it.
You’ve undoubtedly heard of movies that get made on the basis of a single catchy concept. Movies that are nothing more than the thirty-or-so word ‘logline’ that’s the basis for their getting green-lighted. Well, here’s a movie that likely got made on the basis of a single catchy word. One word. “Squeakquel”. Doesn’t it just crack you up? Make you want to open your chequebook and write one up for a cool seventy-five mill?
I must interrupt this rant to acknowledge a few things. I’ve already mentioned that Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is a rip-roaring financial success. So I acknowledge those for whom money talks and every other consideration remains silent will conclude that this movie is a winner and I’m just a whiner. Fair enough. I also acknowledge that my eleven-year-old daughter quite likes this movie. For the songs, she says. Now, I’ve got to point out that 1960s-style sped-up faux-chipmunk singing is something less than high art. But, yes, I admit that there are those who enjoy the songs and even David Cross’ embarrassing mugging every time he appears onscreen.
But none of that makes Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel a quality film. Not even a tolerably decent one.
In an era when filmmakers – especially in animation – are doing a better job than ever before of making films for kids that also work for their parents (and even grandparents), you’ve got to grudgingly admire the spunk of Thomas and the suits at Fox for making one too idiotic and banal to appeal to any but the smallest of post-puberty minds.
And you’ve got to simply accept that Hollywood is more interested in garbage that does $200 million in business than quality that does anything less.
If you’re under the age of twelve, or about as sophisticated as the average eleven-year-old, then you’ll likely love it. Otherwise, you’ll find this eminently forgettable.
And so we get this ‘squeakquel’, Alvin, Simon and Theodore out doing their best to retain their pop star status, despite the rigours of high school (not sure how they managed to skip all the earlier grades) and the challenge of dealing with a cute trio of chipmunk girls who seem intent on destroying Alvin and the gang. Turned over by an injured Dave (Lee) to the care of a relative (Zachary Levi), the little guys soon face a vengeful Ian (Cross) and the girls. And may the best rodent emerge victorious.
